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By Jack Godbey

Columnist

I’ve always been the guy who questions everything. Growing up, I was never satisfied thinking that my Magic Eightball had all the answers. I had to know the whys and hows of life, and I’m sure my parents grew weary of being barraged with questions. I was so curious that I demanded to know everything from where the rain came from to how Big Bird lived inside my TV.

It’s been over 40 years since I started asking questions, and I’m still going strong, although the types of questions I’m asking these days seem to have changed. While the questions of my youth used to be how the world worked, now, I seem to ask questions like, “Why did I come in here again?”. Of course, there there’s the popular “Hmm, How did I get this bruise?” and “Where did I leave my phone?”. Nothing is more aggravating than to be in the middle of a conversation and ask, “What was I going to say”?

I seem to question a lot of things these days. For example, I was at Walmart today, taking in the huge selection of Valentine’s Day candy and assorted greeting cards. I saw a Valentine’s Day card that was so huge that my dog could use it for a house. The kicker was that it even came with an envelope for mailing. I would love to see my postman’s face when he had to deliver a giant greeting card so big it would barely fit in his delivery truck. I wonder how many stamps it would take to mail that giant card? Right around the corner, I saw giant stuffed teddy bears that were as big as I was. I had to question the decision-making skills of these people who think buying giant greeting cards and giant teddy bears is a good idea. Buying a giant teddy bear is kind of like buying a pet rabbit for your kid. Sure, it seems like a good idea, but once the new wears off, you have to find something to do with for the next ten years.

On the drive home, I was minding my own business when a teenager pulled beside me in a jacked-up pickup truck that must have sat ten feet off the ground. You would have to have a step ladder to get in and out of it. I then began to question the young man’s sanity and asked, “Why would anyone do that to their truck”? Suddenly, the traffic light turned from green to yellow, forcing me to stop. However, the teenager in the giant truck took this as an indication not to stop but to speed up instead as he flew through the red light. That led to me asking more questions, such as, “Did someone change the meaning of a yellow light without me knowing it”? It became quite clear that the teenage driver didn’t spend a lot of time thinking or asking any questions at all. I bet he’s the kind of guy who would buy one of those giant teddy bears without batting an eye.

Then, there are those times when I don’t question things enough. I was scrolling through eBay recently and found a “Dukes of Hazzard” blanket that I thought I had to have. The auction was almost over, and I was in a bidding war with another buyer, so I had to move quickly to show them who was the boss. I didn’t bother to read the description before I bid. Before long, it became less about the blanket and more about teaching the other buyer how to not stand between me and my blanket. I ended up paying way too much for the blanket, but I won, which was the important part. When I received the blanket in the mail, I learned that it was actually the size of a washcloth. Maybe I should have asked a few more questions.