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By Jack Godbey

Columnist

I can think of plenty of things that I want no part of. For example, I don’t want any part of bullfighting. If I wanted every bone in my body broken, I’d smart off to my wife. I don’t want any part of being a snake charmer. If I wanted to charm a snake, I’d take it out to eat at Cracker Barrel and tell it how beautiful it was. However, as it is, when I see a snake, I’ll scream and run in the opposite direction like an average sensible person. With that said, imagine my response when my wife informed me that we were going to one of my most dreaded activities this year: Black Friday.

I want no part of Black Friday because it involves the three things, I try to avoid the most: retail stores, people and spending a lot of money. I think of myself as a sensible person, and I have never been able to see the allure of mass shopping and fighting someone over the last George Foreman Grill that’s 50% off the regular price.

My hatred of Black Friday started back in 2007 when I mistakenly became involved in a Black Friday sale and didn’t even know it. I had already been to the store and was ready to settle in for a long Thanksgiving weekend. However, when I woke up on Friday morning, I realized that I had forgotten the pickled bologna, and I woke up bright and early in hopes of getting in and out quickly and back home. What I had completely forgotten about was the Friday after Thanksgiving was the dreaded Black Friday. There I was, smack dab in the middle of my worst nightmare. There were people everywhere and they were pushing and shoving; it reminded me a lot of my school days, so I put my game face on and made my way towards the door.

However, on the way to the door, I saw the complete series DVD collection of Hee Haw, and I stopped to grab a copy.

An old lady slammed into me as I placed the DVD under my arm. She looked like she should be home knitting a sweater. Instead, she hit me like a linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. As the DVD fell to the floor, she snatched it up and took off down the aisle with a smirk on her face. I just stood there trying to figure out what had happened. I wasn’t sure if I was confused why people were fighting over discount merchandise or the fact that an 80-year-old grandma had just schooled me.

I knew this was not the scene for me, so I headed for the door. On the way out, I saw the old lady with her arms now full of merchandise running from aisle to aisle. As she ran past me, the devil on my shoulder made me stick my foot out, and the old lady tripped, and her merchandise flew across the floor. I casually, picked up the “Hee Haw” DVD that she had stolen from me. I thanked her and went about my way. Two can play that game.

So fast forward back to present day and I agreed to attend Black Friday with my wife. I was prepared for war and ready and willing to take down any grandma’s that got in my way.

However, when we arrived at the store, there was nothing going on. The store even advertised that you could just stay home and order the deals online if you wish. I already had my heart set on pow-driving little old ladies. Oh well, at least I can stay home and watch “Hee Haw.”