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By Jack Godbey

Columnist

It seems every time I turn on the television, I am blasted with commercials about Christmas in July sales. I’m not a huge fan of Christmas in December, much less one that’s made up in the middle of summer. Ironically, my neighbor must celebrate Christmas every month of the year because the year is half gone, and he still has his Christmas lights up on his house.

It’s quite clear that celebrating Christmas in July is a made-up holiday to convince me to spend my money as if it were actually Christmas. If we are just going to go around celebrating holidays at will, why not have Valentine’s Day in November, or cook a turkey with all the Thanksgiving trimmings in February. If we can just decide to celebrate Christmas in July and all sense of normal is up for debate, then maybe I’ll decide to just wear my underwear on the outside of my pants because we obviously can do whatever we want now. Did anyone clear this additional holiday with Santa? I’m pretty sure Santa Claus spends July on vacation in Gatlinburg like the rest of us.

Christmas in July is not the only thing that aggravates me. Have you ever been to a concert and the artist starts to sing your favorite song, and out of the blue, you hear the most awful caterwauling coming from the seat behind you as they sing along with every word? I’m pretty sure I didn’t pay my money to hear you sing.

I got aggravated today when I saw someone wearing a wool toboggan. It’s hotter than a hooker’s doorknob on payday outside, and they are walking around trying to look cool. Give it up. It’s not working.

I don’t go to the movies often anymore because it’s just too aggravating. The last thing I want is to overpay for snacks while I watch a movie with complete strangers that obviously must think if they talk loudly, the hero of the movie won’t go into the abandoned house. However, I did just that recently when I ventured out to the theatre. I dug out my smuggled snacks from my waistband and felt like I had just pulled off the heist of the century. However, the smell of popcorn in the air was just too much to bear, and I ended up buying some despite the cost. About halfway through the movie, the guy behind me decided it would be a wonderful time to call his girlfriend and give her the play-by-play of the movie. I just kept thinking; I could be happy at home right now watching “The Andy Griffith Show.” Instead, I’m at the movies eating popcorn more expensive than a ribeye steak listening to a conversation I couldn’t care less about.

After the movie, I stopped by McDonald’s for some comfort food. I pull up to the drive-thru, and the car in front of me is scratching their head, trying to figure out what to order. Excuse me, this is not calculus. All you have to do is figure out if you want cheese on your hamburger or not. They are sitting there confused like they are doing a Sudoku puzzle.

I did finally give in and tried to celebrate Christmas in July, but the snowman I built from ice turned into a mud puddle within minutes in the heat. Does this mean I have to give my gifts back?